Last weekend's feature about internet dating in the Guardian Weekend Magazine left me feeling disappointed.
It largely presented the world of internet dating as full of weird misfits and the success stories were added on at the end, giving a nod to the fact that sometimes internet dating does work.
Guess what? The world is a mix of people, some worth knowing and some best left to themselves.
And you'll find this online too. People who use internet dating sites will have some good experiences and some bad. Hopefully the good will outweigh the bad and eventually, with patience and good sense you'll have success.
Online dating success comes with knowing yourself pretty well, using your instincts and being intuitive - just as you are in everyday life.
In January the Guardian ran a story headlined Positive dater: 'The mutual support is a morale booster' about our online dating website www.datepositive.net. The feature touched on the strengths that niche sites like ours build on. It clearly underlined the importance of positive friendships and support that become available with a site like datepositive.net.
It's shame then that journalist Tanya Gold didn't look through the Guardian's archives and dig out those examples (or ask us for new ones) to use in this most recent piece. Unusually, the Guardian looks very out of step with the times.
If anyone wants positive testimonials about internet dating, take a look at our homepage and read some of heart-warming stories about people who've made friends, found love and even married - thanks to datepositive.net
Sunday, 5 July 2009
Saturday, 4 July 2009
Avoiding the scammers
The best and ideal way to use online dating is to start by making contact with quite a few people who you find attractive, appeal to you and seem interesting.
If you decide to correspond with someone for a while, make it a short while, say two weeks maximum. Don't share very personal information or contact details, nothing confidential or too personal, and don't reveal contact details such as your address, work place or home phone number.
You might even want to set up a special email account for your Date Positive account so that you keep your regular email address free for use with friends etc.
The getting to know someone by email is the tricky bit. You need to be friendly and open to a degree, and that means some self-revelation, but not too much. If something doesn't feel right, or you don't want to continue writing, don't. Simply email the member and say it's not right for you.
If you find that the person you're writing to changes their story, for example they work nights and then are out socialising at night, or are vague about what they do or the town or city they live near, then these are warning signs. The person is trying to hide something and at this point you should stop the emailing.
If everything is ok, after three or four emails you're now ready to speak on the phone. There's no need to have long drawn out email exchanges that go on for months (unless you are looking for an email penpal). This kind of long-term emailing accomplishes nothing and builds up expectation and hope which can be shattered at the first meeting.
So make the suggestion that you speak on the phone (or the other person might do so first). Exchange mobile numbers and set a time to call. If the person you are emailing does not want to talk, makes excuses without a good reason, then that's a warning sign. Something is not right. It's one thing to be ill or busy, but if this happens a second time, end the contact. Once again, this kind of person is someone who has something to hide.
You'll probably be nervous for the first conversation. If it goes well and you would like to explore the new connection, arrange for another talk. If not, say you do not want to pursue the contact further, but thanks for talking.
Ideally you should have only about two or three phone conversations before meeting (in a public place, and we'll talk more about this later).
If you try to follow the suggestions above, and stay away from people who just want to email for months, who won't talk and who won't meet, you are sure to avoid scammers.
If you decide to correspond with someone for a while, make it a short while, say two weeks maximum. Don't share very personal information or contact details, nothing confidential or too personal, and don't reveal contact details such as your address, work place or home phone number.
You might even want to set up a special email account for your Date Positive account so that you keep your regular email address free for use with friends etc.
The getting to know someone by email is the tricky bit. You need to be friendly and open to a degree, and that means some self-revelation, but not too much. If something doesn't feel right, or you don't want to continue writing, don't. Simply email the member and say it's not right for you.
If you find that the person you're writing to changes their story, for example they work nights and then are out socialising at night, or are vague about what they do or the town or city they live near, then these are warning signs. The person is trying to hide something and at this point you should stop the emailing.
If everything is ok, after three or four emails you're now ready to speak on the phone. There's no need to have long drawn out email exchanges that go on for months (unless you are looking for an email penpal). This kind of long-term emailing accomplishes nothing and builds up expectation and hope which can be shattered at the first meeting.
So make the suggestion that you speak on the phone (or the other person might do so first). Exchange mobile numbers and set a time to call. If the person you are emailing does not want to talk, makes excuses without a good reason, then that's a warning sign. Something is not right. It's one thing to be ill or busy, but if this happens a second time, end the contact. Once again, this kind of person is someone who has something to hide.
You'll probably be nervous for the first conversation. If it goes well and you would like to explore the new connection, arrange for another talk. If not, say you do not want to pursue the contact further, but thanks for talking.
Ideally you should have only about two or three phone conversations before meeting (in a public place, and we'll talk more about this later).
If you try to follow the suggestions above, and stay away from people who just want to email for months, who won't talk and who won't meet, you are sure to avoid scammers.
Facebook group and Twitter
Datepositive.net has set up a group on Facebook.
You can find it by searching for STI Dating and Friendship. We welcome anyone who wants to join. Feel free to start a discussion or send ideas for the group.
You can also follow us on Twitter at /datepositive.
You can find it by searching for STI Dating and Friendship. We welcome anyone who wants to join. Feel free to start a discussion or send ideas for the group.
You can also follow us on Twitter at /datepositive.
Sunday, 28 June 2009
Why we're not free
A few times in the past two years I've received emails from members of our website www.datepositive.net asking why we charge a fee to send messages.
Joining the site is free, but if members want to contact others or chat online, there's a cost. It's small, but it's still a fee.
The most obvious reason is that this is a site for people with sexually transmitted infections. We want to give our members some protection from the small number of people out there with sick minds. Unfortunately, these sick folks get gratification from logging on to sites like datepositive.net and sending abusive messages.
We discovered that in the early days when we were free. Some people logged on and created silly, bogus profiles, and then sent nasty messages. A fee, no matter how small, helps prevent this kind of thing.
The next reason is that it costs money to run a website, or any kind of business for that matter. There are hosting and advertising costs, and other admin costs. Advertising costs eat up a large part of our expenses, and it's going to be like that for a while. We need to spend more to raise our profile and build up the membership.
A couple of the emails I've had about membership fees have been from irritated members. But the site says clearly throughout that it is just £5.99 for three months. Most people spend that in a bar or on a latte and muffin a few times a week. So it's not much, and we aim to keep it that way so that the site can be accessible to as many people as possible.
I know there are free dating sites, the most notable being plentyoffish.com. Is that a good thing? I don't know. Personally, my view is that if you give away a service or content for free, you render it valueless. Free services, free content, free access . . . these things challenge internet business owners to find alternative ways of developing revenue. But I am not convinced that providing a free service and deriving profit from advertising alone will be a sustainable model in the long-term future. Only time will tell.
Joining the site is free, but if members want to contact others or chat online, there's a cost. It's small, but it's still a fee.
The most obvious reason is that this is a site for people with sexually transmitted infections. We want to give our members some protection from the small number of people out there with sick minds. Unfortunately, these sick folks get gratification from logging on to sites like datepositive.net and sending abusive messages.
We discovered that in the early days when we were free. Some people logged on and created silly, bogus profiles, and then sent nasty messages. A fee, no matter how small, helps prevent this kind of thing.
The next reason is that it costs money to run a website, or any kind of business for that matter. There are hosting and advertising costs, and other admin costs. Advertising costs eat up a large part of our expenses, and it's going to be like that for a while. We need to spend more to raise our profile and build up the membership.
A couple of the emails I've had about membership fees have been from irritated members. But the site says clearly throughout that it is just £5.99 for three months. Most people spend that in a bar or on a latte and muffin a few times a week. So it's not much, and we aim to keep it that way so that the site can be accessible to as many people as possible.
I know there are free dating sites, the most notable being plentyoffish.com. Is that a good thing? I don't know. Personally, my view is that if you give away a service or content for free, you render it valueless. Free services, free content, free access . . . these things challenge internet business owners to find alternative ways of developing revenue. But I am not convinced that providing a free service and deriving profit from advertising alone will be a sustainable model in the long-term future. Only time will tell.
Friday, 5 June 2009
Appealing to your sentimental and compassionate side
We commented in an earlier article how scammers take their time to get to know you before attempting to scam.
Let's look at typical signs during this process of getting to know you. The scammer work hard to develop a very intense friendship via email. The language will try to be loving, romantic and sometimes needy.
If you have been alone for quite sometime, maybe you are lonely and this kind of email will appeal to that lonely, sometimes even needy, side of you. That's why it's important to lead as full and rounded life as possible even though you are single.
You will find initially that the first message does not address you personally. It probably doesn't use your username but says Hello dear. The English is usually poor and, if you are a guy, you may receive a fake picture of a beautiful woman and you can't believe your luck.
Soon after the emails start to profess their love for you and a hope of meeting. At the same time you will start to get details of a poorly paid job, a difficult time at home, or a story about a relative who got the family into debt.
Then comes a request for money and these requests become more forceful or even demanding as time passes. Never send money to someone you have never met, and do not give out your bank account details either.
End contact the minute you become suspicias and report possible scams like this to us immediately. Include the username and evidence from messages.
Let's look at typical signs during this process of getting to know you. The scammer work hard to develop a very intense friendship via email. The language will try to be loving, romantic and sometimes needy.
If you have been alone for quite sometime, maybe you are lonely and this kind of email will appeal to that lonely, sometimes even needy, side of you. That's why it's important to lead as full and rounded life as possible even though you are single.
You will find initially that the first message does not address you personally. It probably doesn't use your username but says Hello dear. The English is usually poor and, if you are a guy, you may receive a fake picture of a beautiful woman and you can't believe your luck.
Soon after the emails start to profess their love for you and a hope of meeting. At the same time you will start to get details of a poorly paid job, a difficult time at home, or a story about a relative who got the family into debt.
Then comes a request for money and these requests become more forceful or even demanding as time passes. Never send money to someone you have never met, and do not give out your bank account details either.
End contact the minute you become suspicias and report possible scams like this to us immediately. Include the username and evidence from messages.
Sunday, 24 May 2009
Use of language a strong clue to scams
The most obvious thing about scammers is the type of language they use in their messages.
Quite often the start off with "Hello Dear", or they use words of love, affection and familiarity that a non-scammer would not use when making contact with another member for the first time.
Their use of English is usually quite poor and this is because often the scammers are from Africa (and in particular Nigeria) and Russia and former Soviet states.
The tone is too friendly and familiar and sometimes there is an immediate expression of love within the first few messages.
As most of us know, love takes time to grow. Even if you believe in love at first sight, you have to meet the person first!
Quite often the start off with "Hello Dear", or they use words of love, affection and familiarity that a non-scammer would not use when making contact with another member for the first time.
Their use of English is usually quite poor and this is because often the scammers are from Africa (and in particular Nigeria) and Russia and former Soviet states.
The tone is too friendly and familiar and sometimes there is an immediate expression of love within the first few messages.
As most of us know, love takes time to grow. Even if you believe in love at first sight, you have to meet the person first!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
